Hosting so reliable,
we're still surprised
it's online.
surelynotsummerhost.xyz · uptime: calculating... · servers: 1 (probably)
* The 99% uptime refers to the Vercel deployment of this website. The actual server has never been confirmed to exist.
Everything you need.
Nothing you asked for.
We've carefully engineered a hosting experience that redefines the boundaries of what "functional" can mean.
Zero-Downtime Deploys
We can't have downtime during deploys if we never successfully complete a deploy. Technically zero. Contractually zero. Psychologically devastating.
Enterprise-Grade Security
Our servers are so secure that not even a running process can get in. No SSH, no HTTP, no ICMP. Nothing. If you can't access your own infrastructure, neither can the hackers. You're welcome.
99% SLA Guarantee
We guarantee 99% uptime. The remaining 1% is the time we're actively thinking about uptime. Unfortunately the server doesn't know we're thinking about it, so it stays off.
24/7 Support
Our bot responds 24/7. Our human (Hui) responds whenever fate allows, which based on current data appears to be never. We are looking into hiring a second human but the budget situation is "lol".
Instant Scaling
Our infrastructure scales from 0 to 0 in milliseconds. That's not a bug. That's horizontal scaling in its purest, most disciplined form. We call it Zero-Compute Architecture™.
Transparent Pricing
We are completely transparent: you will pay, we will take the money, the server will remain off, and everyone involved will pretend this was always the plan. No hidden fees. Just hidden servers.
Our world-class
infrastructure.
A hand-picked fleet of computing resources, assembled with great care and even greater optimism.
Six plans. All bad.
Pick one. It won't work, but it will look good on your credit card statement.
- 64MB RAM
- 1GB storage (mostly logs)
- 0.1 CPU core
- No database
- Uptime: No
- Support: No
- 128MB RAM (shared, heavily)
- 5GB storage (virtual vibe)
- 0.5 CPU core
- Database: Missing
- Uptime: 0.00%
- Support: Discord (empty)
- 1GB RAM
- 20GB storage (rotating disk, loud)
- 1 CPU core (tired)
- Database: Flat file
- Uptime: Maybe
- Support: Ignored priority queue
- 4GB RAM (if we have it)
- 50GB storage
- 2 CPU cores
- Database: sqlite (single lock)
- Uptime: Same as Premium (0%)
- Support: dev's spam folder
- 16GB RAM (we will try to buy it)
- 100GB storage (solid state, probably)
- 4 CPU cores
- Certificate of Bravery (PDF)
- Support: CEO Hui's personal DMs
- Hui will mute you instantly
- 64GB RAM (eBay special)
- 1TB NVMe storage
- 16 CPU cores
- We might turn the server on
- Personal apology email from Hui
- Handshake from Hui (digital)
All plans subject to server existence. Surely made by human, no AI was harmed in setting these prices. No refunds.
Donate a VPS.
Got an unused VPS collecting dust? Give it a purpose. We promise to respect it more than we respect our own infrastructure.
ping -c 4 status.surelynotsummerhost.xyz
We are SurelyNotSummerHost.
A story of ambition, caffeine, and an irresponsible amount of optimism about VPS reliability.
SurelyNotSummerHost was born from a simple idea: what if someone built a hosting company with no budget, one donated server, and the unshakeable belief that uptime is a state of mind, not a contractual obligation?
We are not a summer project. We are a year-round project that happens to have the energy of something that started in summer and hasn't really picked up steam since then. The name is a defensive measure. We anticipated the question.
Our infrastructure consists of what we have, which fluctuates between zero and one physical server depending on what day you're reading this. Our website is hosted on Vercel because we're not completely irresponsible — just mostly.
This website was not made by AI. Every line was typed by a human hand, every joke was conceived by a human brain, and every terrible hosting decision was made by a human who should have known better. If you believe otherwise, we simply ask: why would an AI choose to be this honest about how bad the server is? Exactly. The human did this on purpose.
We believe hosting should be honest. And honestly, ours is not great. But it's ours, and we're working on it. Or we will be, once developers wakes up.
→ View the full team on the Team page.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Real questions. Honest answers. Honest in the sense that they accurately represent our current situation.
Hui-GPT Support
Ask our state-of-the-art AI anything. Built by human, powered by pure delay cycles.
Privacy Policy
1. What We Collect
We collect your IP address, browser fingerprint, soul, and whatever data ends up in our server logs — if the server were running, which it is not. In practice, we collect very little because we have nowhere to store it.
2. How We Use Your Data
We use your data to improve our services, a task we have been engaged in continuously since founding without measurable results. Your data may also be lost in a hard drive incident, which we treat as a form of privacy-by-deletion.
3. Third Parties
We share your data with Vercel, who actually hosts this page, and who have their own privacy policy that is substantially more credible than ours. Beyond that, your data doesn't go anywhere because we don't have the infrastructure to transfer it.
4. Cookies
This website uses one cookie to remember you've been here so the loading screen doesn't play every time. That's it. We didn't build a cookie consent banner because we refuse to contribute further to the degradation of the web experience.
5. Your Rights
You have the right to request deletion of your data. We will acknowledge this request, forward it to developers, and it will be handled in accordance with his current sleep schedule. Estimated processing time: undefined.
6. Contact
For privacy concerns, contact us via the Contact page. Your message will be routed to /dev/null and then manually reviewed. Mostly the first part.
Terms of Service
1. Acceptance
By accessing this website, visiting our status page, or sighing heavily while looking at our uptime metrics, you agree to these Terms. If you disagree, that's fine — the server is down anyway.
2. Service Description
SurelyNotSummerHost provides web hosting services in the same way a weather forecast provides weather — we tell you what we hope will happen, and then reality does what it wants. "Hosting services" includes, but is not limited to: servers that boot occasionally, DNS records that resolve sometimes, and a website (this one) that runs on someone else's infrastructure.
3. Uptime Guarantee
We guarantee that your hosted services will be online for at least 0% of any given month. This guarantee is currently being met and exceeded. Any uptime above 0% is considered a bonus and should be treated as a delightful surprise.
4. Limitation of Liability
SurelyNotSummerHost is not liable for: data loss, mental anguish, missed deadlines, existential dread, or the feeling you get when you realize your production database was never backed up. By using our services, you accept that "production" is a very strong word for what we offer.
5. Refunds
Refunds for the Community plan (free) will be processed immediately in the form of $0. All other refund requests are subject to a review process administered by a single human who may be asleep at time of request. We appreciate your patience, which you have not explicitly offered but which we are assuming anyway.
6. Governing Law
These terms are governed by vibes, good intentions, and whatever jurisdiction is most favorable to us at the time of any dispute, which we haven't had yet, because no one has successfully reached us to initiate one.
Our team.
Every single person involved with SurelyNotSummerHost. Listed for accountability.
Hui started SurelyNotSummerHost because he had a $3 VPS and some free time. He now has no free time and an offline VPS. Surely made by human, he is very tired.
Closes tickets instantly. Resolves none of them. Perfect response rate. Unlike dev, it never sleeps.
Displays a flat line because the server is off. The only part of our stack that has 100% uptime.
Fun fact: this page wasn't even planned. He bought us the domain, so we built an entire Team page just to put him on it
Updates & Changelog.
A transparent record of every meaningful change made to SurelyNotSummerHost. Last updated: recently-ish. Probably.
No one joined the Discord server. Not one person. Not even by accident. We waited. We checked. We refreshed. So instead of having a community to communicate with, we made a changelog page and are communicating with the void. Hi void. Please share this website.
UI Overhaul, Team page, & 6 Tiers
We built pages and added plans instead of fixing the server. Surely made by human.
- Added: Team page
- Added: Updates page (because Discord is empty)
- Added: 6 pricing tiers (up to $499)
- Added: SSH terminal simulator
- Added: Super Ultra Fast Pro Max AI Support
- Removed: Contact page
- Removed: Downtime ROI Calculator (it was depressing)
Support Bot v0.3
We upgraded the bot to close tickets faster. It still doesn't resolve them.
- Added: Support Bot v0.3
- Added: Auto-reply template: "We are looking into it"
- Fixed: Bot was telling users the server was online. It is now corrected.
Infrastructure Outage
The server went offline and didn't come back. We built a status page instead of fixing it.
- Removed: Server uptime (offline)
- Removed: Database (HDD went missing)
- Added: Status page to show how offline we are
Initial Launch 🎉
SurelyNotSummerHost went live. The server was on. The website worked. Everything was hopeful. We were all very excited. This lasted approximately 11 days before the first incident.
- Added: Everything (the first time)
- Added: One donated VPS (now offline)
- Added: Ambitious SLA promising 99% uptime
- Added: Optimism (since deprecated)