admin@surelynotsummerhost.xyz — bash
v2.0.0 — now with 12% less downtime (unverified)

Hosting so reliable,
we're still surprised
it's online.

View Plans Check Status →

surelynotsummerhost.xyz  ·  uptime: calculating...  ·  servers: 1 (probably)

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Uptime (Promised)
99%
Uptime (Actual)
0%
Servers Donated
1
Tickets Resolved
0

* The 99% uptime refers to the Vercel deployment of this website. The actual server has never been confirmed to exist.

// infrastructure

Everything you need.
Nothing you asked for.

We've carefully engineered a hosting experience that redefines the boundaries of what "functional" can mean.

Zero-Downtime Deploys

We can't have downtime during deploys if we never successfully complete a deploy. Technically flawless.

Enterprise-Grade Security

We secured our servers so well that even we can't access them. Fort Knox wishes it were this inaccessible.

99% SLA Guarantee

We guarantee it in writing. The paper it's written on has better uptime than our servers, but the guarantee is real.

24/7 Support

Our support bot is available around the clock. Our human is available when he wakes up, which is sporadic at best.

Instant Scaling

Our infrastructure scales instantly from "off" to "off." If you experience load issues, perhaps consider fewer users.

Transparent Pricing

What you see is what you get. What you get is a server that may or may not be on. Pricing remains transparent throughout.

// hardware

Our world-class
infrastructure.

A hand-picked fleet of computing resources, assembled with great care and even greater optimism.

Primary VPS Node
Offline
Location: Someone's basement, DE
Specs: 1 vCPU · 512MB RAM · 10GB HDD
Last seen: 2024-11-03 at 03:14 AM
Website (Vercel)
Online
Location: Edge network (the reliable part)
Purpose: Making the servers look credible
Uptime: 100% (we didn't build this)
Database Cluster
Missing
Status: HDD physically absent
Backups: Were they ever set up? No.
Data loss: Complete and thorough
[ system_log · loading... ]
"Loading server wisdom..."
// pricing

Plans for every
level of disappointment.

All plans include our signature feature: unpredictable availability. Prices are in USD and are definitely not arbitrary.

Tier 01
Community
For the brave. And the frugal.
$0/mo
  • Shared server (when online)
  • 64MB RAM (no typo)
  • 10GB storage (theoretical)
  • 0.5 vCPU (measured in vibes)
  • Community Discord support
  • No SLA of any kind
  • Free tier of regret included
Tier 02 Popular
Premium
Our best offering. Relatively speaking.
$12/mo
  • Dedicated... slice of a server
  • 2GB RAM (on good days)
  • 50GB SSD (rotational, actually)
  • 2 vCPU (both hopeful)
  • Priority support queue (still ignored faster)
  • 99.9% uptime SLA (in spirit)
  • Monthly incident report PDF
  • "Premium" in your hostname
Tier 03
Enterprise
For when you need someone to blame.
$99/mo
  • Dedicated server (maybe)
  • 16GB RAM (aspirational)
  • 500GB NVMe (being sourced)
  • 8 vCPU (we're counting threads)
  • Named account manager (dev)
  • Custom subdomain on our .xyz
  • Quarterly "we're still here" email
  • Certificate of Bravery (PDF)

All plans subject to availability. "Availability" subject to interpretation. No refunds. No servers. No regrets (from our end).

// contribute

Donate a VPS.

Got an unused VPS collecting dust? Give it a purpose. We promise to respect it more than we respect our own infrastructure.

System Status
surelynotsummerhost.xyz infrastructure
--:--:-- UTC
auto-refresh: never
Component Status
Website (Vercel Frontend) Operational
Production Server Offline
API Gateway Offline
Database Cluster Missing
CDN Misconfigured
developers (Useless) 💤 Asleep
Live Incident Feed
"We're investigating absolutely nothing at this time."
guest@surelynotsummerhost.xyz — ssh
Connected to surelynotsummerhost.xyz
Type help for available commands. Arrow keys cycle history.
Warning: This terminal is purely decorative. Any resemblance to a real server is coincidental.
guest@snsh:~$
Quick Diagnostic
ping -c 4 status.surelynotsummerhost.xyz
// our story

We are SurelyNotSummerHost.

A story of ambition, caffeine, and an irresponsible amount of optimism about VPS reliability.

SurelyNotSummerHost was born from a simple idea: what if someone built a hosting company with no budget, one donated server, and the unshakeable belief that uptime is a state of mind, not a contractual obligation?

We are not a summer project. We are a year-round project that happens to have the energy of something that started in summer and hasn't really picked up steam since then. The name is a defensive measure. We anticipated the question.

Our infrastructure consists of what we have, which fluctuates between zero and one physical server depending on what day you're reading this. Our website is hosted on Vercel because we're not completely irresponsible — just mostly.

This website was not made by AI. It was made by a real human developer who made real human decisions, like choosing to write all of this copy himself at an unreasonable hour, and who is very definitely not a language model outputting plausible text in response to a prompt. The fact that this disclaimer exists should eliminate all doubt.

We believe hosting should be honest. And honestly, ours is not great. But it's ours, and we're working on it. Or we will be, once developers wakes up.

💻
hui
Founder · Reboot Specialist · Only Employee
Currently sleeping
🤖
Support Bot v0.3
Automated Response System
Operational
📭
The Server
Infrastructure (status: missing)
Unknown location
// questions

Frequently Asked Questions.

Real questions. Honest answers. Honest in the sense that they accurately represent our current situation.

Almost certainly, yes. Our production server has an uptime record that would make a potato battery seem like reliable infrastructure. The website you're reading this on is hosted on Vercel, which — to be extremely clear — we did not build. Please do not give us credit for the website's availability.
No. Absolutely not. This website was crafted entirely by human hands, with human intent, and human levels of sarcasm that no language model could possibly replicate. The specificity of these denials should itself be evidence of their authenticity. We will not be answering any follow-up questions on this topic.
Your ticket enters our queue, where it will be held indefinitely while dev sleeps. At some point, our support bot will generate a response that fails to address your actual problem. Eventually, you will solve the issue yourself and we will mark the ticket as "Resolved" several weeks later without explanation.
We offer the concept of backups. Implementation is left as an exercise for the customer. We did once configure a cron job for backups in 2024, but it was pointing to a directory that no longer exists, so it has been completing successfully with zero bytes of data backed up for over a year now.
The SLA covers your emotional journey through the experience of hosting with us. It guarantees that your disappointment will be consistent, your expectations will be managed downward, and that at no point will we claim any incident was "unexpected." All incidents are expected. Some are even planned, just not by us.
Community plan users are welcome to a refund of their $0, which we will process instantly. Premium and Enterprise plan refund requests are forwarded to dev, who will review them once he has addressed the 47 other outstanding issues currently on fire. We estimate a 6-8 business decade turnaround.
We like to think of it as "on-premise, geographically intimate hosting." The owner of the basement has asked not to be identified. The server is there because it was donated and it was the only place willing to accept it. We are grateful for both the server and the basement.
// reach out

Contact us.

We read every message. Eventually. Whether we respond is a different question entirely, governed by separate forces.

Response time: 1–6 business weeks. Possibly never. We'll send you an automated confirmation that will provide false hope.

Privacy Policy

Last updated: Some time ago. Definitely recently. Probably.

1. What We Collect

We collect your IP address, browser fingerprint, soul, and whatever data ends up in our server logs — if the server were running, which it is not. In practice, we collect very little because we have nowhere to store it.

2. How We Use Your Data

We use your data to improve our services, a task we have been engaged in continuously since founding without measurable results. Your data may also be lost in a hard drive incident, which we treat as a form of privacy-by-deletion.

3. Third Parties

We share your data with Vercel, who actually hosts this page, and who have their own privacy policy that is substantially more credible than ours. Beyond that, your data doesn't go anywhere because we don't have the infrastructure to transfer it.

4. Cookies

This website uses one cookie to remember you've been here so the loading screen doesn't play every time. That's it. We didn't build a cookie consent banner because we refuse to contribute further to the degradation of the web experience.

5. Your Rights

You have the right to request deletion of your data. We will acknowledge this request, forward it to developers, and it will be handled in accordance with his current sleep schedule. Estimated processing time: undefined.

6. Contact

For privacy concerns, contact us via the Contact page. Your message will be routed to /dev/null and then manually reviewed. Mostly the first part.

Terms of Service

Effective: Now. Or whenever you clicked a button. Same thing.

1. Acceptance

By accessing this website, visiting our status page, or sighing heavily while looking at our uptime metrics, you agree to these Terms. If you disagree, that's fine — the server is down anyway.

2. Service Description

SurelyNotSummerHost provides web hosting services in the same way a weather forecast provides weather — we tell you what we hope will happen, and then reality does what it wants. "Hosting services" includes, but is not limited to: servers that boot occasionally, DNS records that resolve sometimes, and a website (this one) that runs on someone else's infrastructure.

3. Uptime Guarantee

We guarantee that your hosted services will be online for at least 0% of any given month. This guarantee is currently being met and exceeded. Any uptime above 0% is considered a bonus and should be treated as a delightful surprise.

4. Limitation of Liability

SurelyNotSummerHost is not liable for: data loss, mental anguish, missed deadlines, existential dread, or the feeling you get when you realize your production database was never backed up. By using our services, you accept that "production" is a very strong word for what we offer.

5. Refunds

Refunds for the Community plan (free) will be processed immediately in the form of $0. All other refund requests are subject to a review process administered by a single human who may be asleep at time of request. We appreciate your patience, which you have not explicitly offered but which we are assuming anyway.

6. Governing Law

These terms are governed by vibes, good intentions, and whatever jurisdiction is most favorable to us at the time of any dispute, which we haven't had yet, because no one has successfully reached us to initiate one.